Cockroach CSI: Death by Coffee Drowning

As mentioned before, I am a total cockroach magnet. At my old job, the cockroaches LOVED my corner cubicle and now, we share our tiny SoHo office space with a very fertile family of miniature roaches, who have been spotted anywhere from my desk to the cubicle walls to the secretary’s phone.

Luckily, the mini roaches mostly come out at night when we’ve all gone home for the day, but sometimes the next morning, we’ll find them in the strangest places — like in our coffee mugs. Yup, one morning, I found two dead roaches in the bottom of my coffee mug when I was rinsing it out, and I’m guessing it went a little like this:

Big Roach tells Little Roach how nice it would be to go skinny dipping in a creamy cup of Hong Kong style coffee.

Little Roach struggles to keep afloat in the coffee, while Big Roach relishes in the fact that there’ll soon be one less mouth to feed in the “megaherd” of roaches, meaning more crumbs for him!

Big Roach loses his footing while laughing and slips into the coffee as well, where both of them die a slow and painful death since they are highly caffeinated and do not slip into unconsciousness until about an hour later.

Moral of the story? Roaches should wear slip-resistant footwear when walking on slippery surfaces like coffee mugs. Crocs, take note, you’ve got a new set of customers (with six feet each)!

Tips for secretaries: When to order water

I always thought being a secretary was pretty damn easy. All you have to do is answer the phone, order birthday cakes occasionally and watch YouTube (or YouKu) for the rest of the day.
I guess our secretary’s got it extra hard though because she also has to make sure we have enough drinking water in the office, which isn’t always the case. In fact, there’s already been two incidents when the water’s ran out, and wouldn’t be delivered for another few days.
Every time this happens, I’m quite annoyed since we already don’t have a pantry, fridge or tea lady to clean our mugs, but we should, at the very least, have a steady supply of water, right? Sure, I could go out and buy myself a bottle but that’s a) environmental UNfriendly and b) a waste of my hard earned money!
Since I understand that not everyone in this world has a working brain, I’ve created a series of what I hope are easy to understand pictures to help our dear secretary know when to order water:

If there are two full bottles of water in addition to the one in the machine, there is NO NEED to order water yet.
If there is one full bottle of water and still some water left in the machine, make a mental note that you MAY need to order water soon whilst keeping one eye on the water level in the existing bottle.

If you have two empty bottles and a full bottle in the machine, it’s TIME to place an order for water. Yes, it may seem that there’s a lot of water left, but it’s 35+ freakin’ degrees outside and you’ve got a lot of sweaty, thirsty and parched workers in the office. So place the order NOW already!!

If every water bottle including the one in the machine is empty, you’re TOO F@#KING LATE! Once again, you have amazed us with your stupidity and lack of brain cells!!

I hope this is clear and helps all the secretaries out there. For more information, check out my book “7 Habits of Highly Brainless Secretaries” coming out this fall.